To whom it may concern:
We regret to inform you that due to extremely low approval ratings and disappointing performances in almost every category, the remainder of 2016 has been cancelled. We understand that this may cause some confusion as well as rebooking of vacation plans, but we’re going to go out on a limb and assume that like us, you’ve just fucking had it with this already.
David Bowie died ten days into our collective nightmare. And 2016 was already feeling dog years long by the time Prince peaced out on April 21st. Muhammad Ali. Garry Shandling. Harper Lee. Zaha Hadid. Merle Haggard. Elie Wiesel. I mean, who’s next? Bill Cunningham? Sorry, wha-what’s that?Oh God DAMN it.
And those deaths weren’t even related to guns! We’re not even sure how people die anymore except from guns, like the 179 mass shootings that have already happened this year. Okay you guys, we keep bringing this whole mass shooting thing up, like, every year and then everyone’s all shoulder shrug-y and glancing sideways like we asked who farted. If we’re just going to keep having more of these things, doing exactly zero about them, and then feeling super outraged that nothing’s changed? Then we best just stop right here. It’s like letting y’all graduate from high school even though none of you can read and you’re still using your fingers for math.
Orlando. Remember Orlando? Feels like that was a year ago, doesn’t it? That was four weeks ago. It was the worst mass shooting in modern American history and yet, psssshhhh, already old news. Surely not to those recovering, not to those left behind, but to this country? Time to move on to the next tragedy, everybody. We didn’t even have a chance to read all of the “How to Talk to Your Kids About Mass Shootings,” “How to Talk to Your Kids About Homophobia,” “How to Talk to Your Kids About Republican Congressmen Who Lick the NRA’s Balls on the Reg,” and/or “How to Talk to Your Kids About the Fucked Up World They’ve Been Born Into Sorry About That Whoops” articles we bookmarked. Slow down America! None of us can keep up with the tragic edutainment that our children so desperately need and/or parents can’t stop writing!
Speaking of guns and stuff, there have been over 900 officer-involved shootings so far in 2016. 136 black people have been killed and guess what?Young black men were nine times more likely than other Americans to be killed by officers last year. This year? Not looking so good either, tbh.Philando Castile? You mean, this thug described right here? — -> “Keelan Bailey recalled a period when his son was too nervous to walk through the lunch line alone. That’s when Castile held the boy’s hand and relayed words of encouragement every day until he could stand on his own.” Argh, fuck everything.
And now we have this searing Dallas nightmare. Even where there seems to be genuine community, even where there seems to be understanding, the violence-loss-outrage-numbness-moving on cycle spins. Let’s see the infographics of those times when everything is going right—protesters protesting peacefully, officers protecting their right to do so—and then some 2016-emboldened motherfucker still manages to fuck THAT up. Let’s see the real time animation of all of the girlfriends and wives, school kids and step kids and neighbors, family and friends who were left behind just this week.
Also: This former congressman and walking talking garbage pile declaring war on our (and his) President. NOT HELPING. One word: Cancelled. Two words: Fucking cancelled.
We haven’t even gotten to the Presidential election yet! And we’re not going to. Everything that needs to be said, has already been said by your next President:
“Total disaster.”—Donald Trump
That quote was taken out of context, like exactly nothing else about his candidacy. And look at how accurately it fits our purposes! We’re pretty sure this is exactly how people use the Bible.
And what half-year-in-review would be complete without checking in with our Misogyny Desk?
EXHIBIT A:
Trump.
EXHIBIT B:
Whoever/whatever this is: “Bob Sutton, chairman of the Broward County GOP Executive Committee in Florida, voiced confidence that Clinton would be easy to defeat in a debate. ‘I think when Donald Trump debates Hillary Clinton she’s going to go down like Monica Lewinsky.’”
EXHIBIT C:
Advertising. And advertising. And advertising again.
EXHIBIT D:
Fucking Fox News. Fucking Twitter. Fucking Bernie or Bust.
EXHIBIT E-Z:
CANCELLED.
Frankly, this is long overdue. The minute we heard Bowie died we should’ve just pulled the rip cord right there and then. But since we didn’t, this is what we suggest — power down 2016, disconnect all cords, count to six months, reconnect everything, cross fingers-pray-whatevs you do, and turn everything back on.
We’re #sorrynotsorry for the inconvenience,
The Management
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